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Monday, January 16th 2006

7:44 PM

Arrogant poetry

Yep! I totally agree!

Let's discuss the contents first. Basically, the lines are:
I look to the skies in hopes to see that my Dragon has come back to me.
It is truly hard to believe but my heart has been captured by thee.
Truly magical as it may be for the Love of the Dragon grows deep inside of me.
I call upon him in the night, for that is when we take flight.


First line, ok, not so bad, even if it sucks.

2nd line: "Truly hard to believe." OK, WHY, WHY is it truly hard to believe? That you'd love the Dragon? And what does the Dragon symbolize, anyway? From the first line, she says she hopes the Dragon comes back, so it symbolizes something positive. But then in the 2nd line, she says it's hard to believe, so is the Dragon supposed to be negative? It just doesn't make sense.

3rd line, the sentence doesn't make sense. I mean, Ok, I get that "the love of the Dragonf grows..." might mean she's increasingly attracted to the Dragon. But what does the "for the" do here? "For the"="because", hence "Truly magical as it may be because the love...". It doesn't make sense. Besides, the beginning, "Truly magical as it may be..." suggests that the second part of the sentence will say something negative, something like "truly magical as it may be, it still sucked" or something like that.
 
And I'll leave the last line alone, it somehow seems not so bad after the 2 horrors-of-sentences above.

SECOND. the structure SUCKS.

I look to the
skies in hopes
to see that my
Dragon has come
back to me.
It is truly hard
to believe but
my heart has
been captured by
thee.
Truly magical as
it may be for the
Love of the Dragon
grows deep inside
of me.
I call upon him in
the night, for that
is when we take
flight.

The lines are too short, and they cut the "momentum" of the poem. It would be much better if it were cut at each cesura (thought break) and it would allow to exploit the rhymes too. The way she has it, it's emphasizing all the wrong words. It would be much better to have it written like this:

I look to the skies
in hopes to see
that my Dragon has come back to me.
It is truly hard to believe
but my heart
has been captured by thee.
Truly magical as it may be
for the Love of the Dragon
grows deep inside of me.
I call upon him in the night,
for that is when we take flight.

Or something like that.
3 total marks.

Posted by Drew:

'Morning, Jenn Oh, goody, I like any medium which allows you full use of that wonderfully acerbic wit (hereafter referred to as Dep-con Jenn)

Granted the first stanza sucked, but did offer a glossary of 'what not to do' tips for future poets and having yet another look at this literary no-man's land, the phrases were at best cliche...was half expecting a "And, Oh!" or two thrown in to complete the image of pilfered style. The anachronistic thee just didn't belong at all, was she just trying to be clever here or was there an actual purpose other than pomposity? Lack of organization's also kind of haphazard
Tuesday, January 17th 2006 @ 10:36 AM

Posted by camster:

hey, you need to blog again, i miss the old days.
Saturday, April 8th 2006 @ 10:42 PM

Posted by Sevina Imogen Snape:

Hi Jen
Have a super day !!!
Sunday, July 30th 2006 @ 6:15 PM

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